What is Trust?
Trust, to have confidence in someone, to believe in someone and hence believe with confidence in the relationship with that person. Imagine two seven-year-olds playing. They know each other through out the school year. While playing, one of the boys takes the others toy without permission and brings it home. The boy was hurt, cried, reported the incident to his parents. Is distrust now at work? Clearly the boy’s feelings were hurt, he may not want to play with that boy for a period of time; however was there ever a trusting relationship? As a young child we make friends, or should I say playmates and we enjoy their company. The underpinnings of trust are at their infancy stages of being formulated. We learn who to avoid, who we want to spend time with, and eventually who to trust. So one of the criteria from this author’s view for trust is: TIME. Time must pass with another person in order to assess and figure out if the relationship can be trusted. SHARING OF GIFTS. The giving to each of gifts. Not materialistic gifts. Stories of the past, present and dreams of the future. There must be a disclosure, a gift giving. Share the stories, the private, the painful, the joyous. SACRIFICE. Once trust is established there comes a time of giving up of one’s own personal wants and time for the other. A call at three a.m. to help with a crisis, going to the ballet with your wife because she likes it and your wife attending that football game. Of course there is “guy time” and “gal time.” That is not what we are addressing here. The importance of giving up your time for a friend, a loved one is part of the dance of trust, of love and of friendship.INTROSPECTION. All of the above criteria cannot be one hundred percent achieved if one does not trust themselves. One must sacrifice time for you, one must feel comfortable with giving yourself gifts, and spending time with “you.” A little one on one time is good for the soul, good for the spirit. You need to really know yourself well, the good and the bad to trust another in a relationship.
What are levels of trust?
There are many levels of trust. We trust the contractor to put a roof on your house; however there is only so much due diligence you can do to prevent a bad roof. One can introspect and love themselves all they want; however it still hurts when you find out your partner has been sleeping with another person. All the introspection in the world, all the caressing the soul in the world will not resolve that pain. It will make you stronger, possibly better able to handle it, the pain is still real, as well as the effects of being guarded to trust again. So the levels of trust in life clearly vary. We are supposed to be able to trust family members. Many times that falls to the way side. We trust our doctor, dentist and pastor. Or do we? We trust our wife or husband, until they display distrust. The trust issue can become very complicated. Add into this mix a history of abuse, deceit, bad choices in relationships and trust seems like Mt. Everest and you have not ever mountain climbed before.
We trust our employees, our co-workers until they label you and display hypocritical behavior then we begin to walk a more cautious walk. Every day we are confronted with trust issues, and many times we do not even realize it. Our hair cut, buying food, the opposing driver, trusting our children will make good choices, and of course trust in our most loving relationship. I have individuals tell me, “Trust in the Lord and He will guide you with all trusting situation.” Really? A very dear Monseigneur gave me the best advise on that one, ” God can save your soul, but cannot save your ass.” We have judgement, we have choice, and we make mistakes. Okay, yes….so USE IT. Try to not get depressed when we fail in trust, know you did the best you could. Learn from distrust. Realize if you never risk again, you are selling yourself short in life.
How does one trust in relationships?
For this article we will focus just on trust in relationships. An overview. We must look at ourselves, and our history of pain and happiness. Where did we go wrong in the past when it comes to trusting and where did we excel and why. Self introspection. Take care of you!! Why do you pick certain people to be in a relationship? Are you a caretaker, one who seeks out the wounded soul? Are you the individual that is inherently distrustful? Do you hide bank accounts, passwords, and are secretive with your loved one due to injury in the past? I knew a physician that learned from his parents to distrust at a very high level. He was so distrustful he would not get his blood drawn at a clinic where he knew the nursing staff. This was not blood for HIV, but blood for basic labs. “How will that hurt you I asked? “I do not know,” he said sheepishly. “This is how I always learned it.” The way we learned it is not necessarily the way it is now, ala Dr.Hammerschlag. A few months later he got his blood drawn. I was proud of his risking.How will you let go of your past distrustful behavior to begin fresh?
Look at you, take care of you and you MUST learn from past errors in judgement. Learn, do not ruminate or beat yourself up thinking you will never be happy. Revel in the fact that through risking you will accomplish trust. Not just risking in dating and other relationships but risking for yourself. Risk for the sake of your soul. create your own “bucket list.” A list to allow yourself to grow spiritually, physically and emotionally. As you are risking, observe the empowerment you are obtaining. When in a relationship share, disclose, and find happiness in the daily gift giving. Everyone has a story, share yours. That is a gift my friend. It does not get any more personal than that. Are you sharing or whining? Is there reciprocal sharing, or does one partner seek out the lime light? All of these are important to observe while doing the “trusting dance.” Life is a dance, trusting is a dance. Yes, you will get your toes stepped on sometimes even break an ankle. You are always able to heal if motivated enough, ALWAYS.
Once you have found that trusting relationship there is nothing stronger. It is solid, and to know you can count on someone always being there for you as well as you being there for them life becomes much easier, happier, and more enjoyable. Remember, “YOU” first, then follow the steps listed. If you find someone that does not, or cannot do the trust dance, learn how to say goodbye, that is healthy also.