What is Fear of Intimacy?

Intimacy, the closeness of two individuals ranging from an emotional sharing to a physical sharing. Many immediately confuse intimacy with sex, or intimacy with physical contact. Intimacy can be a very close conversation between two people and a sharing of verbal gifts. It is not just touching, and making love. An individual that is introverted, shy and does not enjoy social gatherings may have a higher risk of a fear of intimacy. On the other side of the psychological coin, these shy individuals may be just fine in one to one relationship but freeze up in groups. When we address fears in general they universally stem from a past experience, lack of experience, trauma, and or shattered sense of self. Remember all psychological issues are on a continuum that vary in severity. Many of these issues do not take an analytical mind to analyze. Not being secure of one’s self or feeling insecure, and not confident will lead to fear of closeness. Of course one of the most common issues is fear of being rejected. Some individuals feel grossly wounded and because of this fear rarely approach for an intimate moment. Men who have severe homophobic issues over compensate. They frequently avoid holding hands, lack the ability to express tender emotions, and error on the side of a pseudo-macho approach. The vast majority of intimacy issues in a relationship will fester and lead to tension, anger and distancing in a relationship. These issues MUST be addressed on some level if the relationship is to flourish. Communication and intimacy are very much connected and it is next to impossible to not have one without the other. If one is not a good communicator chances are they will lack in some degree with intimacy. There must be an equal or close to equal amount of sharing. Isn’t that how friendships become even closer? When one is calling, giving, and making the attempt the majority of the time there is not an intimate reciprocity. The friendship is clearly lacking something. Individuals that have experienced Post Traumatic Stress are at higher risk for intimacy issues. Some of these traumas are sex abuse, physical abuse, rape and being an emotionally or physically battered woman. The stage in one’s life when this trauma occurred is also crucial. A child at age seven who is abused will behave differently as an adult as opposed to a teenager who is raped. Fear of intimacy is similar to many phobias, and can be resolved with recognition of the problem, a want to improve, and having an understanding accepting partner. There is clearly hope, and there is a high success rate when one is willing to work on these issues.

Many therapists focus on statements of the inner child being hurt or wounded. Children’s ego development is crushed by a dominant parent who is not sensitive to their needs. Of course these observations can be true; however they are often the foundation of many jokes by comedians. The over sensitive therapist, with a plastic personality who clearly has difficulty connecting with patients is the focus of this humor. Clearly when fear of intimacy raises it’s ugly head in adult life we do know that there is a childhood foundation of some type of pain. Show me a troubled adolescent and I will show you some type of parental short coming.

Fear of intimacy takes work, and one MUST get over any fear of looking at yourself if one is ever to make progress. Introspection, look at our dark side, the “Darth Vader” in us all before one can become a “Jedi” in a relationship. The “force” is the strength to be secure with who we are, and appreciate our partner. Once that is accomplished, success ensues and future paths are much easier to walk.

Intimacy in Marriage.

Two, fall head over heels in love, they live together or maybe not, they marry or maybe not, they are frequently intimate or maybe not. There are no strict guidelines on frequency of intimate conversations, or frequency of physical intimacy. When the lack of intimacy, conversation or otherwise decreases or causes one partner to be distraught or causes anxiety, then there should be a discussion on the topic. Those that do not communicate openly are fraught with future conflict and avoidance of this topic, will give you just that avoidance of each other. Treatment then is not specifically addressed in terms of intimacy but in terms of how to communicate. Listening skills: What did the person hear? What did the person want? These issues are crucial as well as the interpretation. Pre-conceived beliefs, notions,and opinions MUST be put to the way side if one is to continue in a new loving relationship. There must be a want to communicate, and the technique boils down to good listening skills.

There will always be differences in libido, and desire. What should be important, is to avoid conflict when dealing with perceived rejection and how the couples handle that feeling. Reassurance is imperative, and the want to be there for each other. I had an acquaintance who was a strict fundamentalist Christian. He and his wife believed the literal interpretation of the Bible. No one was to turn the others advances down no matter what. I asked him what was the difference in this and rape? One partner may not be emotionally willing, or too fatigued, is there not a push for intimacy then against one’s will? His response, “this is the way of the Lord, this is what God wants.”Hmmmm, really? I never pursued this any further as the dogmatic views were too ingrained, and there was really no investment to elicit change, nor did he want to. I had to respect his boundaries even though I was diametrically opposed to this relationship dance they did.

Communication, expression of feelings, and a want and desire to respect the other is imperative for a long lasting relationship. Closing off conversation, not paying attention to your spouse are all non-intimate moments. Partially listening while the football game is on, or while you are doing a project can be rude and demeaning.

Pay attention, remember when each of you were dating, and you leaned on every word showing genuine interest. Where did that go? It went away with the clicking away of time, and the blanket of complacency. Relationships do that, they fall into routine, which is not necessarily bad, if one recognizes the process.

Communicate, share your feelings, stop externalizing blame, take responsibility for what you own, and love each other. Love your spouses words, their interests, and their want to solidify a relationship. This is not candy coated psycho-babble but a recipe for growing old, and rocking in a chair with grand babies, reflecting on the future. My friend, it does not get any more intimate than that.