When do you let your child fail?
When is it best to allow your child to fail and suffer the consequences?
One of HARDEST areas in therapy is teaching parents when it is best to allow their children to fail. As a father, I understand how difficult that is. However consider the alternative: A young adult of 19, 20 and even 21 who is still being coddled and blanketed by overprotective parents, living at home and working minimally, not paying rent, not required to do chores, walled up in his room playing computer games. What is there to work for? Robbing children the opportunity to learn for themselves creates full-grown infants who are unable to act independently on their own. Parents who continue to buy their young adult clothes and toiletries illustrate what I am trying to say: One cannot be independent if one has never learned how to be independent. Allow your child to learn how to be responsible by suffering the consequences when he is not.
It even becomes more difficult when there is splitting going on. One parent will not hold firm to restrictions or limit setting, and usurping the authority and rules of the other parent. Not only does this teach the child to manipulate but causes a great deal of splitting and anger between the couple. Resentment builds, there is no team in the relationship and the child suffers. In the real world, we have bills, flat tires, and basic needs. When does that change for the child? When does responsibility and independence begin for the young adult. Allowing your child to struggle is very difficult and painful, your child will always love you, one must eventually move past those fears in order to teach responsibility.
It becomes even more difficult when a child repetitiously breaks the law; whether it is drugs, speeding tickets, or some minor infraction. Eventually if a parent continues to bail their son or daughter out, the only learned behavior is a phone call to dad or mom. Teaching a child about success and being proud of their accomplishments starts very early. Parents can make a difference early on. There needs to be consistency. Parents do not need to be a united front on all topics; however, if there is a disagreement then show the resolution process in front of the child. Teach them that the world is not a united front and adults can agree to disagree. That is the real world.
A statement I frequently teach parents to say to their child when their child is successful, whether on the soccer field or the final exam grade on a report card, is to tell their child, “Wow, that’s awesome, you must be very proud of yourself.” That is different than saying, “I am proud you,” which implies that the grade was earned for their parents instead of themselves. Good grades are not trophies children earn for their parents, children earn good grades for themselves.
NEVER, NEVER REWARD A CHILD MONETARILY FOR A GRADE THEY RECEIVE IN SCHOOL. There is nothing to gain by doing so, but much to lose. It increases the value placed on the almighty dollar, and the effort put forth in studying is no longer its own reward. Not only are they earning grades for their parents, but for the money, as well.
If confused about when the time is right to allow your child to fail, consult with a therapist.