What is good communication in relationships and marriage?
At this point, it appears that everyone in the world recognizes the value of communication, and its importance in relationships, on the job, in marriages, and in all aspects of our lives. But is it possible to overly communicate in relationships and in marriage? The answer is clearly yes. People can easily over-communicate in relationships, and end up talking far too much. They may say quite a bit, but actually be saying little or nothing. To illustrate using lyrics from Jackson Browne’s song “Late for the Sky”:
“For me some words come easy, but I know that they don’t mean that much compared with the things that are said when lovers touch.”
I have seen many men and women alike who feel they are excellent communicators. This is commonly seen in narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathic personality disorder. People can be very charming and engaging in relationships, may be very articulate when communicating, but literally have no clue how to attach emotions to their words, and are unable to truly express how they are feeling. People avoid feelings of anger and sadness like the plague, but will communicate around these feelings.
As previously stated, specifically in a marriage, as years go by and there have been some conflicts where individuals have been hurt, they may take a verbally defensive posture, or take a defensive posture by not interacting at all, which may be interpreted as passive-aggressive behavior. Communication will then taper off and may become either hurtful or even nonexistent.
Effective communication is something that can be taught. It is also something that should come from the heart. If there is truly love left in a relationship, It should come much easier, especially if both individuals are committed to working on the marriage. Determining whether or not mediation would be helpful depends on the degree of hurt in that relationship, length of the marriage, and motivation to communicate with each other.
Caution: Effective communication does not mean externalizing blame onto your partner, and does not mean giving yourself a venue to run down a list of occurrences over the last 5-10 years. Remember—effective communication takes practice. You are going to make mistakes, and there will be some degree of conflict when trying new methods of communication or new methods of any type of interaction. The payoff is tenfold: A closer relationship. We now know that people who stay married are less likely to experience chronic illness, and are less apt to experience insomnia. Men actually live longer if married than if divorced or single. Based on longitudinal studies, we now know that there are physiological benefits in staying with a partner.
What are signs of bad communication?
Bad communication is usually learned from past experiences or has never been learned and the individual is too frightened to implement it. Post it notes as communication, are cold and void of human to human interaction. I am not referring to, “hey honey be back in ten minutes, went to the store.” However I am referring to a discourse or content that should be dealt with together. Text messages and emails have hit the workplace and home environment in storm. There is less and less of one to one communication. The human interaction factor has grossly diminished. Yes, one can say we are in constant contact with each other. I am specifically referring to the benefit, of eye to eye contact, hand touching, holding each other on the couch type communication. Industrial psychologists already are obtaining a cascade of feedback how emails effect the work place in the negative and positive.
Not hearing your partner. We all say we listen, but can we block out intrusive thoughts, clear our minds and really be with our partner 100%? If you are going to be somewhere, then be there. Appreciate your time together, it has been said many times, that any day we can lose our friend or our lover. Make the most of your time together. How annoying and demeaning to say to your friend, husband or wife, “I am sorry dear I was not paying attention can you repeat that?”
Sarcasm and humor can be healthy and unhealthy. Healthy and fun if both individuals know the parameters; have similar humor with no ill intent. When that is not the case it becomes hurtful and assaultive.
Communication is our way of interacting, expressing what we want and what we do not want. It helps us release our emotions, usually makes us feel much better, and strengthens the bond between two people. Communication can be loaded with baggage from our past, and we can carry that baggage into the next relationship. One MUST be introspective to see their own flaws and shortcomings if one is to ever improve their communication skills. It is possible with fantastic pay offs and long lasting relationships.
