What is Family Therapy?
Two people fall in love, they have children maybe buy a dog and live the dream? Is it a dream or is it a free fall of guess work and learning as well as minimizing and hiding issues under the proverbial rug? Family therapy has always been there. It may not of been implemented by a trained therapist; however there have always been mediators that were involved. Some were extended family members, friends, shamans, and yet others were church leaders. Families evolve and grow and become groups. A group, any more than two. I have done hundreds of family sessions and I have found they are very, very powerful. I have even brought the dog into session with the family. Yes, the dog. The dog would tell me a lot about the family. Who was in charge, who was the most caring, and who was feared. That would happen in a one hour session with the dog and the family. Dogs WILL not lie and they do not hide their emotions. Dynamics of a family are very interesting. Invariably we have the scapegoat, the emotional leader, and the passive one that avoids conflict at all costs. many times the roles may change a tad however, the dynamics do remain true.
Having children will bring out the best and the worst in couples. This entity will challenge the couple to look at team work, discipline issues, the sharing of love, and as the child grows, one will have no choice but try not to get involved in splitting. Most children go through a normal phase of development and try to split their parents to obtain their wants and needs. Here is one time where a united front is imperative. I differ from many therapists as frequently couples are told to agree in front of the children on issues. Why? That is NOT the normal world we are preparing them for. It is okay to disagree in front of the children, IF the couple can come to a consensus without fighting. Either moderate the problem or agree to disagree. This is healthy. Family therapy is a dance and the therapist with the family willing to learn, will attempt to teach new steps for the dance and change the cadence. Usually, families present when the crisis has reached an all time high.
Some of the most pressing concerns that brings a family to a therapist are; inability to communicate, or communicate effectively, learned behavior that is not conducive for teamwork,emotionality, an inability to argue or avoidance of conflict all together, and moderate to severe personality disorders. These are some of the basic issues, many will say couples and families argue over money, a difference in wants, and parenting issues. These issues in this authors opinion stem from a foundation already laid of years of distrust and lack of communication. There are clearly primary problems, secondary problems and tertiary problems.
A family must be willing to learn new steps, take on new roles, as well as parent differently if there will be positive change. Once again “something different.” The way they have been doing it has not been working. Soooo something different must at least need to be implemented. Even if that fails, then this also is helpful. How much effort did they put forth? Why did it fail? Who was the one that dragged their heals? All important data for the therapist.
One of my favorite family therapists Jay Haley points to triangulation, which is more common than I ever thought before going into treating families. A couple who becomes stressed, becomes emotionally estranged from each other. In this isolation, they over involve the children either consciously or unconsciously in their problems.These children grow up and most definitely carry these issues into the next generation and in their relationship. There is one constant with family therapy, individual therapy and group work: we cannot teach people to see each other differently. First they need to see themselves differently. That is about experience and the want to improve. When that occurs the potential for growth, change and movement are very high. Movement and change does not necessarily mean the marriage works, it may also mean the marriage fails which is also a growth and a rebirth.
With couples where their intimacy has decreased and the closeness whether sexual, or just plain hugs evidence points that these individuals where never allowed to be totally emotionally free. They settle. They lower their emotional thermostat and they only know how to deal with these issues by distancing, creating a conflict, or becoming depressed. It is at this phase where we see sexual acting out by a spouse, anger, depression and even parents spending an inordinate amount of time with their children to escape the intimate void that they truly long for. It is here where we also see the husband become very involved with his work and the wife becoming overly involved with the children.
Families are like engines of a car. The longer they go where one component is malfunctioning it will most clearly impact another part. EVERYONE plays a role whether they want it or not. Even if they do not want to play they are in it anyway. By not playing they are playing a role. This is the ultimate paradox in family pathology. If one does not “play” they may even be made a scapegoat. Individuals must be able to know and see how much they are loved, children must see some type of affection (holding hands, kissing) so they know it is okay to show affection, there must be good communication and problem solving if any family unit is to work. Who teaches children how to become parents? WE DO !
Admit your errors, look in the mirror at what you own, find some humility, and realize nothing is changing until you do some changing yourself. A family unit can be a powerful loving force or a destructive, ugly mess….You have the power to change it and maybe you might need a guide to at least show you the road map.