What is Criticism?
To criticize implies finding fault. Also, to consider merits and demerits, judge accordingly, per Webster’s. To critique, to observe.
Many of us are so well defended against our egos that we become defensive at the slightest mention of any form of criticism. This can clearly be traced back to our youth, growing up and parenting techniques. When one becomes very secure and comfortable in their own skin, when one reaches a level that they are not primarily focused on the opinions of others, then criticism becomes a non-issue. Getting to this level takes much effort, a lot of personal growth and acceptance of who we are as individuals.
I was speaking with Dr. Hammerschlag in Arizona, discussing a psychologist in Chicago who had a barrage of negative comments about him. He smiled, undaunted, continued to rock in his swing, and calmly said, “That’s good.” He paused slightly, and I must have appeared very confused at his response, expecting some type of anger or passion around this onslaught of negative criticism. I asked what he meant by “That’s good.” He said, “As long as people are criticizing you, it means you are doing your job well. There will always be people in the world who will criticize you if you are doing your job. It’s when people don’t criticize you that you aren’t working hard enough.” This simple, yet profound statement is so true. If we plod through life and walk the straight and narrow, and never confront or question, or veer off the path to explore new areas, we become as plain and mundane as a piece of stale bread.
How can Criticism be Helpful?
“No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent” E. Roosevelt
Criticism can be extremely helpful and very useful, even at its most vindictive, where attempts are made to hurt. It depends upon how it is received and interpreted, and how you respond back to it. We can decrease our level of stress, and the impact of the onslaught by how we respond to the criticism. “ My parents pushed me away, my siblings don’t care for me, my child hates me,” and they go on and on complaining about negative feedback they have received from their family members or friends, and subsequently they interpret and react to this in a negative fashion.
I have had numerous patients who have reflected to me that, “My parents don’t care for me, they have this feedback by feeling worthless as a person. Depending on their level of growth, as well as the level of integration of their life traumas, the response I frequently give is, “To some degree, everyone is dealt a bad hand out of a deck of cards. Some are dealt a worse hand than others. In life, it depends on how you play the hand of cards. Do you fold? Do you bluff? Or do you accept what you have and try to play that hand as best as possible?” Many individuals will continue to hang onto their sexual abuse or some perpetration that has occurred, despite all the therapy and growth they have achieved. This will absolutely do that individual no good, and actually can be destructive.
In order to deflect criticism and decipher helpful versus the negative, offensive attack one MUST look at the origin of their wounds. Why the perception to be wounded? Why do we hang onto these helpful or negative barbs and take them to heart? Granted, they do hurt when they come from a loved one. That is when we implement communication and honest interaction, NOT an assault back, but honest expression of hurt, no blaming. If your environment is constantly coming back at you at with negative criticism on the same topic, well, maybe you may just need to listen to that. There actually could be some accuracy to this negative feedback. We can always learn from all interactions, even if that means to decrease time with someone that is not healthy for you.
We have to become comfortable in our own skin. The greater the level of comfort we reach, the easier it becomes to receive and deflect criticism in a very positive way. The sooner we are able to do this, the better role model we are going to be for our children. They will grow up learning to deal with criticism much better, which is crucial for a healthy path of development.
When I write letters of recommendation I always include positive and negative attributes of the individual. No one has the corner marketed on perfection. How can one even advance on job performance evaluations if all the marks are equally high? There needs to be some system of monitoring to show growth, hence the benefit of criticism. If an employee gets hurt with one or two areas marked below average and the majority are exceedingly high, that is VERY disclosing of their personality and their issues of either low perception of their self or a grandiose view of themselves. Both of these reactions stem from the same etiology, the wounded self. Look at our wounds of the past and understand for us to grow we must at some point stop the slow, insidious bleeding of our ego. Patch it, and grow, watch the respect and followers continue. You then will take the first step of becoming a mentor to others.
How can Humility help with Criticism?
In the medical field I have witnessed a multitude of health care providers that lack humility. It has become so common place that many books have been written and studies done to address the narcissism among health care providers. In teaching physician assistant students, residents, and psychology interns it amazes me to this day the lack of humility. The struggle for a provider to be able to tell a patient, I do not know? appears to be lost in their vocabulary. One of the first bits of advice I give, it is ok to tell the patient you are not sure, but you will do everything you can to try and find out. That may be a referral, research on the internet, or a consult. We all need to learn humility; humility my dear peace and healing fans equals wisdom. Find some, you will be better off in the long run.
