What is communication?
The ability to transmit signals through two parties with a message. For this article, we will only speak of verbal and body language communication between humans. Clearly, we are aware of animal communication and the ability of certain species to communicate via behavior and sounds. Communication is the foundational cornerstone of relationships, ideas, effective places of employment and of course marriage. It is the role modeling of communication by parents, where our children learn how to function effectively in the world and with others. It is the icing on the cake for problem resolution and bonding. It also can be the destruction of relationships if not done well and the results can be devastating. Communication can be superficial, intense, emotional, and manipulative. Not one successful relationship can survive without true, honest communication. Successful here will be defined as, “happiness,” or the lack of stress, the lack of turmoil and isolation. Clear communication is what makes employees motivated, and understand exactly what is expected of them. Show me a company that runs smoothly and I will show you healthy, upfront communication.
Body language is a form of communication as well as hand gestures and facial expressions. Although sometimes vague in nature, it is amazing how much we can derive from these gestures. Experiment, go to a party, speak with people and slowly get closer to them, change your stance with their stance, observe how they back away, observe what topics may cause decreased eye contact, and a move in their position. We all have boundaries that have a certain comfort level. You can easily determine who is more closed off than others.
Many individuals in a relationship who falter at communication will blame, not being understood, finances, their partner not listening, not understanding but rarely will they take ownership stating,”I do not communicate well.” Lack of intimacy, financial difficulties, and parent-child interactions are usually all caused by ineffective communication. Communication is NOT just the verbal speaking of words it is also the actual listening and understanding of what your partner is saying or trying to say. If you do not know, ASK.
When troubled waters have been ventured into, many times there is a past history of arguments, mis-understandings,blaming, and one person taking more of the blame and it becomes difficult to return to placid waters. There must be a want and desire to communicate and resolve problems or the relationship will be doomed. This becomes even more complicated with dishonesty, fear, past skeletons of troubled relationships and then complicate the issues with substance abuse.
What is ineffective communication?
Ineffective communication comes in many forms. The basic: poor listening skills, not asking for what you want, and manipulating a situation. It becomes complicated when poor, ineffective communication patterns are learned over time, and then trying to learn effective one’s. Old habits are difficult to break. Not responding to a direct question and responding with what you think the other person wants, can lead to conflict at the drop of a hat. Psychotic type conversations resemble disconnected thought patterns such as; ” Where can I place this painting?” with a response of ”It is not a painting, it is a photograph.” One, this does not answer the question, and is a corrective response to the adult. Other type of disconnected communication would be, ” Where can I place this painting?” response ” You do not place a painting, you hang a painting.” Again there is a correcting of the basic question. The question was not answered, which begs the question,what was really heard? Was there an avoidance to even answer the question. In severe forms of psychosis you get more psychotic responses. “Where can I place this painting?” response, ” My grandmother used to paint, she painted garden scenes , do you like gardens?” This is an example of flight of ideas, and becomes very disconnected.
Learning how to communicate is learning that each previous conversation can be an overlay for the next interaction. That means past histories of arguments, or resolution can be and most likely will be an important role to the present conversation. An understanding of forgiveness, (true forgiveness) as well as motivation to improve, will lead to a much closer relationship. All relationships must do the communication dance. The dance of learning how to talk to each other, how to resolve conflict, how to sacrifice a piece of your “ego real estate.” If you do not, you will fail, or at the bare minimum live very uncomfortably. That is a Peace and Healing guarantee.
Communicating via e-mail with loved ones on a regular basis, post-it notes, messages on pillows and conflict resolution on paper is ineffective, and loses the true meaning of eye to eye, heartfelt communication. This pattern is very dysfunctional when used as a primary source of communication.
Communicating through friends and relatives is another ineffective means of communicating and also pulls others into the conflict or resolution. Boundaries, boundaries boundaries. Let me make a distinction between venting, bouncing ideas off friends, and using friends to be involved in the communication process. Big difference.
Splitting. Splitting, is pitting one person against another. Using a child as a mediator, and pitting family members against one another to vie for sides. this is very pathological and leans towards borderline personality features. Most splitting is seen in children trying to obtain there needs from one parent and manipulates the situation lying, or embellishing to get there needs met.
Voicing feelings from an “I” perspective is healthy and non-blaming. Express your feelings, anger, sadness, happiness and fear. Remember, a persons behavior can help induce feelings but a person will not cause the feeling. YOU own the feeling, the feeling is your thought from your memory that can be exacerbated by a behavior but is not a cause and effect. STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR MAKING YOU FEEL A CERTAIN WAY. That get’s old and is not courageous. Take responsibility for your feelings. A drunk, obnoxious and hurtful will scare his wife. His behavior is inappropriate, however the fear is owned by the recipient. Call the police, take action. yes, easier said then done. This concept can be difficult to comprehend. My perpetrator caused me a great deal of fear, but the fear, the emotion, was mine not his. Once I disclosed, the fear dissipated greatly.
What is effective communication?
Effective communication is talking from an “I” perspective, and speaking how you feel. Clear effective communication is not questioning all intent, it is not correcting others but speaking and owning and looking at “YOU.”
This is a learned process that only gets better. We are taught early on not to ask for what we want, not wanting what we want. We can get anything we want if we want it bad enough and we want to change for the better. All of us can learn new communication styles. We must speak from our heart, express our emotions. When a conflict occurs learn resolution techniques. Do not take shelter under the covers of the bedroom covers, but learn how to resolve, which means learning to apologize, and accept apologies from the other. This leads to bonding. If one’s ego is so shattered they cannot apologize or they have difficulty it may be a long road.
If anything this can be awesome role modeling for children to see, it is making the next generation better. Some therapists feel you should never argue in front of the children. If the argument is violent then of course not. If it is mild it can be an awesome, loving opportunity to see resolution and loving behavior afterwards. Do not wonder why your son or daughter does not know how to resolve an argument with their girlfriend or boyfriend, especially if you fell way short with your spouse on resolving arguments. The real world is not in a vacuum. Humans debate, humans argue, and humans who love each other resolve arguments. It is a charade to think you can protect your children from arguments. They grow up and have no idea how to mend or resolve problems. They are left with misguided feelings of anger, sadness and fear with no safe place to vent.
Communication, a gift, a mechanism by which we can get closer to someone or distance from someone. It is very powerful and can be used to mend relationships, and even countries. If the communication leads to changed behavior. If one believes, truly believes it can be done , it can. Hope, remember hope ? You can have all the hope in the world and it will get you no where without communicating. Go talk to someone, go tell your son, daughter, husband, or wife how much you love them and how much you want to try. It will mean a lot.