How do you Prevent child sex abuse?
How do you prevent child sex abuse? YOU DON’T! Wow, there I actually said it. I am a victim of child sex abuse, the author of “Above His Shoulders.” I specialized for years in the assessment of perpetrators, victims and their families as a psychologist for the State of Illinois. We cannot prevent abuse, we can only minimize the damage. There will always be offenders, and our government as well as our laws will always be sub-par. This is not a defeatist perspective but a realistic one. If we approach this realistically then I have hope for change.
Treatment programs for offenders have failed repetitiously. The recidivism rate is very high, with re-offense inside three months of release. Behavioral modification, chemical castration have all fallen to the wayside in terms of becoming effective modalities for treatment. Even those individuals who could achieve an erection have continued to abuse. This alone adds credence to not so much as a sexual need or sex addiction but a pathological control issue.
Our best effort has to be focused at parental training and advocation for the child. Parents must need to learn effective, empowering modalities of parenting to give their children a safe harbor to disclose. Parents must become proficient at observation. Pay attention to details. Observe the tiniest change in behavior. By not becoming grossly punitive when disciplining you are creating a safe harbor. One does not need to be excessively punitive with a child at age five. Remember you want your child to trust you and come to you with any concern or secret; from being bullied to an adult becoming friendly. “Stranger Danger” does NOT work for pedophiles. A pedophile will not be successful with the vast majority of children if he is a stranger. A pedophile is fantastic with children. They are engaging, cunning, giving to a fault, protective, (yes, protective, they feel the child is theirs.) A pedophile “grooms” their victim. Grooming is the term for the slow insidious manipulation to gain their trust. If a parent sees a family member, a family friend, an associate at work, giving gifts, becoming overly attentive, please use caution.
When you give your child a place of safety without repercussions you are creating a safe harbor for them to disclose. Here we have the prevention. Not the prevention of abuse but prevention of ongoing devastation. We are minimizing the trauma. That is the best we can do. Yes the professionals can do better assessments, there can be quicker mobilization by the police, and yes the laws governing states can be more stern to say the least, however this is really not in our immediate control. What is? The life of the child and how we parent.
How do we create a safe harbor for children to disclose when they are sexually abused?
We need to begin at an early age. When a child begins to walk and talk and interact we need to not over discipline. No punitive discipline. The most important is NOT to discipline when the child tells you the truth of marking up their bedroom with crayons. When that over reaction occurs by parents you are creating a foundation of,”I sure do not want to tell the truth because I will get yelled at and spanked.” We do not use crayons for the walls, explain if it happens again they will be taken away and by all means, REWARD THEM FOR TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.
Be prepared for the threat and the lie. Reinforce to your children that adults can say inappropriate statements. It is good to explain the “private part” discussion, that parents, and physicians are the only ones to touch these areas, and even here we run into a dilemma. There is very little prevention from the pedophile who is the physician or the parent. Parents should always be in the room with your child is being examined. When you have a parent who is a pedophile the chances of minimizing damage is reduced greatly. here one must be aware of behavior change.
This takes time and patience. Realize that your parenting skills are most likely from your parents. Dump the bad parenting that ALL our parents had to a degree. Yes, our parents did the best they could, we can always do better. So is my hope of the next generation being better than the next.
Minimizing damage is a realistic approach to a very out of control problem. One out four girls are abused an one out of six boys. This is probably higher. Parents must take an active role, do not wait to change your parenting. Create that safe haven now, it is never too late.