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Parenting—a simple, yet very complex topic.
I have battled with numerous parents regarding this very topic.
Parents maintain an extremely defensive posture with regard to their
parenting skills, one of the strongest walls to break down. I quite
frequently hear parents say they are “doing their very best,”
and they “just can’t help what is happening.”
That may be true, however, a good parent never stops learning.
When someone is hired to do a job, they need to learn what that
job entails. Perhaps there is a particular job manual at their disposal.
The newly employed wants to learn, wants to do a good job, get a
raise down the road, move up through the company, etc. Why shouldn’t
the same desire apply to parenting? In general, the parents I see
in therapy resist learning how to be better parents. Getting their
so called “raise” in life would be seeing their children
successful and happy, success not being defined in a monetary sense,
but in terms of happiness and self-fulfillment. Subsequently the
sacred hoop/sacred circle would continue, with their children role-modeling
to theirs the excellent parenting skills they had learned from their
parents.
Our parenting skills and abilities come directly from our own parents.
There is no Parenting 101 offered in high school or college. We
either learn from our parents or learn from similar role models
that may be living in close proximity, neighbors, uncles, aunts,
grandparents, etc. Teaching optimal parenting skills is difficult,
as parents tend to be grossly defensive with regard to that issue.
They feel they are being attacked, ridiculed, which of course affects
their self-esteem. Subsequently everyone loses in this scenario.
The adult loses by refusing to learn how to become a better parent,
and the child subsequently loses, as important parenting skills
are not role modeled to them. The cycle of dysfunction continues.
Parents are oftentimes guilty of trying to place their children
into one form of mold or another. This may be because parents have
not reached the level of success they would like, or perhaps they
simply want their children to live out their own dreams, whatever
they may be. Nevertheless, an attempt is made to steer their children
on one path or another, imbued with their views of success. Ironically,
this rather obsessive style of parenting, based at least in part
out of fear that their child will be a failure which would then
reflect negatively on them, ends up working in a paradoxical way.
This author has seen many situations where parents have pushed academics
to such a degree that the child, now a young adult, rebels, dropping
out of school and never following the conventional path established
by the parents. Working hard to prove their parents wrong, the young
adult may then become extremely successful in other less conventional
avenues of life. This appears to be an unconscious way to say, “screw
you, mom and dad.” This begs the question, “Is the young
adult happy?” Possibly not. The young adult may be monetarily
successful, but not doing something they truly want to in life.
They are forever explaining to their parents their point of view,
and illustrating their accomplishments. This can go on to the 3rd,
4th and 5th decades of life!
As already stated, one of the most important goals as parents is
to provide your child as much world experience as possible, both
positive and negative. Offer your children many different opportunities
to experience a variety of different things. If they adamantly refuse
to experience one thing or another, do not force the issue. This
is one of the hardest points to drive home to parents. If your teen
or young adult has chosen a vocation that is not to your liking,
rest assured that they will most likely be just fine--if they have
something called passion. Being passionate about your life’s
work not only pays back monetarily, but also creates individuals
who find greater inner peace. It doesn’t matter what your
child is passionate about—as long as they are passionate about
something in their lives, they will be satisfied.
Parenting is an enormous privilege. It is a huge amount of work,
but is greatly rewarding. My children are the best things that ever
happened to me. As a privilege, it should never be abused or taken
advantage of. Most of all, IT SHOULD NOT BE NEGLECTED, but reveled
in, embraced, and thought about daily. You can’t go back and
re-parent your 20 year old. Make the most of it when they are still
young, and enjoy.
Parenting Tips
Some of my simple guidelines for better parenting, not perfect
parenting, but better parenting—there is no perfect parenting:
- Recognize that you will make many mistakes, which is fine. Admit
your mistakes to your child. This is an excellent way to role
model to your child that you are not perfect. In the early stages
of childhood, a child views his/her parents as basically “god-like,”
and without reproach. If you foster this approach to childrearing,
role modeling to your child that as a parent, you don’t
make mistakes, your child will never learn a most important gift—humility.
It is okay to make mistakes, and it is important that your child
recognizes it is okay.
- Listen to your child, really listen. Listen to what he/she is
saying. Respond back to what has been asked. Show interest. Our
time is limited on this earth. The dance we do is extremely short.
Enjoy every moment you have with your child, even if it is a homework
assignment or project they bring home to do, or perhaps a sunset
that you may watch together.
- Do something that you may hate, that they enjoy. Find out what
your child really enjoys as they grow, and make time for them,
for what they like.
- Teach your children about many religions, not just the one you
practice. This teaches tolerance of those different than them.
- Look in the mirror at your dark side; the baggage you carry
from role modeling you received growing up. Do you stereotype,
do you have racist feelings, or judge other cultures? Recognize
this potential and work on change. This will take time and effort,
but as a parent, it is important to overcome these old drivers
in order to teach your children to be better and ultimately healthier
human beings.
- Provide your children a variety of experiences. Allow them to
engage in many different activities. There are many creative ways
to expose your child to music, literature, the arts, science and
nature, without spending a lot of money.
- DO NOT create the “super-kid.” You know the one,
the child placed in swimming lessons at 6 months, music lessons
at a year, or tennis lessons at 2 years of age, because you want
them to be outstanding in some activity. Our society pushes our
children to be super-kids. Use common sense and good judgment.
Look carefully at your own issues; are you pushing your child
to swim at a very early age because you can’t swim? Perhaps
at a young age you experienced some event that forever created
a fear of the water, and you are attempting to obtain release
from your own phobia through your child by teaching him/her to
swim at a very young age? Don’t project your own issues
onto your child. Because you played sports well, do not project
that onto your own child. They are not you. They may have different
interests and abilities. Count on it.
- During the adolescent and teenage years, DON’T FORGET
YOUR OWN TEENAGE YEARS. Did you smoke pot when you were a teenager,
or go out and get drunk? How did your parents respond? Did you
appreciate your parents’ responses? Should you modify your
response to a similar situation? That doesn’t mean you don’t
discipline or set limits, but it does mean that you should exercise
restraint in how you respond. Hitting your child over the head
with a 2 x 4 is not likely to be an effective teaching method.
- Are you able to show affection in front of your child? If you
live in a two-parent home with a successful marriage, it is important
that your child views open displays of affection. Look at your
own issues if this is not occurring. It is totally okay to kiss
and hug your wife/husband in front of your children. Where else
will they learn that it is okay to show affection? It is also
okay to refuse affection from time to time (“I don’t
want a hug right now, I am too tired, or not in a good place”).
Young children who view this behavior learn from this behavior.
They will learn that it is okay to say no to affection, and also
okay to hug and kiss those you love in front of others. It is
important to role model appropriate displays of love and affection.
- Arguments. Parents do not always have to show a united front
for their children when arguments occur. It is okay for parents
to disagree and argue in front of their children. If you know
that successful resolution of an argument is likely to occur,
reach resolution in front of your child. They need to see that
an argument can occur, and can be resolved successfully. This
is hugely important in terms of your child’s development
and ability to handle many situations.
- Decrease time spent watching television. Share stories. As one
ages, (as discussed in elderly depression), it is time to begin
telling your children your own stories. Tell your parents to share
with their grandchildren stories of the past, so that these may
be carried on to the next generation. Sit down, light some candles,
have a fire in the fireplace, share stories of the old times.
This does not have to occur nightly! But plan for it once a month.
It will then be built into your family experience as an important
family ritual. You will be surprised how much your children remember.
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