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When is it best to allow your child to fail and
suffer the consequences?
One of HARDEST areas in therapy is teaching parents when it is
best to allow their children to fail. As a father, I understand
how difficult that is. However consider the alternative: A young
adult of 19, 20 and even 21 who is still being coddled and blanketed
by overprotective parents, living at home and working minimally,
not paying rent, not required to do chores, walled up in his room
playing computer games. What is there to work for? Robbing children
the opportunity to learn for themselves creates full-grown infants
who are unable to act independently on their own. Parents who continue
to buy their young adult clothes and toiletries illustrate what
I am trying to say: One cannot be independent if one has never learned
how to be independent. Allow your child to learn how to be responsible
by suffering the consequences when he is not.
A statement I frequently teach parents to say to their child when
their child is successful, whether on the soccer field or the final
exam grade on a report card, is to tell their child, “Wow,
that’s awesome, you must be very proud of yourself.”
That is different than saying, “I am proud you,” which
implies that the grade was earned for their parents instead of themselves.
Good grades are not trophies children earn for their parents, children
earn good grades for themselves.
NEVER, NEVER REWARD A CHILD MONETARILY FOR A GRADE THEY RECEIVE
IN SCHOOL. There is nothing to gain by doing so, but much to lose.
It increases the value placed on the almighty dollar, and the effort
put forth in studying is no longer its own reward. Not only are
they earning grades for their parents, but for the money, as well.
If confused about when the time is right to allow your child to
fail, consult with a therapist.
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