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At this point, it appears that everyone in the world
recognizes the value of communication, and its importance in relationships,
on the job, in marriages, and in all aspects of our lives. But is
it possible to overly communicate in relationships and in marriage?
The answer is clearly yes. People can easily over-communicate in
relationships, and end up talking far too much. They may say quite
a bit, but actually be saying little or nothing. To illustrate using
lyrics from Jackson Browne’s song “Late for the Sky”:
“For me some words come easy, but
I know that they don’t mean that much compared with the
things that are said when lovers touch.”
I have seen many men and women alike who feel they are excellent
communicators. This is commonly seen in narcissistic personality
disorder and sociopathic personality disorder. People can be very
charming and engaging in relationships, may be very articulate when
communicating, but literally have no clue how to attach emotions
to their words, and are unable to truly express how they are feeling.
People avoid feelings of anger and sadness like the plague, but
will communicate around these feelings.
As previously stated, specifically in a marriage, as years go by
and there have been some conflicts where individuals have been hurt,
they may take a verbally defensive posture, or take a defensive
posture by not interacting at all, which may be interpreted as passive-aggressive
behavior. Communication will then taper off and may become either
hurtful or even nonexistent.
Effective communication is something that can be taught. It is
also something that should come from the heart. If there is truly
love left in a relationship, It should come much easier, especially
if both individuals are committed to working on the marriage. Determining
whether or not mediation would be helpful depends on the degree
of hurt in that relationship, length of the marriage, and motivation
to communicate with each other.
Caution: Effective communication does not mean externalizing blame
onto your partner, and does not mean giving yourself a venue to
run down a list of occurrences over the last 5-10 years. Remember—effective
communication takes practice. You are going to make mistakes, and
there will be some degree of conflict when trying new methods of
communication or new methods of any type of interaction. The payoff
is tenfold: A closer relationship. We now know that people who stay
married are less likely to experience chronic illness, and are less
apt to experience insomnia. Men actually live longer if married
than if divorced or single. Based on longitudinal studies, we now
know that there are physiological benefits in staying with a partner.
Stay tuned for future updates.
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