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To criticize implies finding fault. Also, to consider
merits and demerits, judge accordingly, per Webster’s. To
critique, to observe.
Many of us are so well defended against our egos that we become
defensive at the slightest mention of any form of criticism. This
can clearly be traced back to our youth, growing up and parenting
techniques. When one becomes very secure and comfortable in their
own skin, when one reaches a level that they are not primarily focused
on the opinions of others, then criticism becomes a non-issue. Getting
to this level takes much effort, a lot of personal growth and acceptance
of who we are as individuals.
I was speaking with Dr. Hammerschlag in Arizona, discussing a psychologist
in Chicago who had a barrage of negative comments about him. He
smiled, undaunted, continued to rock in his swing, and calmly said,
“That’s good.” He paused slightly, and I must
have appeared very confused at his response, expecting some type
of anger or passion around this onslaught of negative criticism.
I asked what he meant by “That’s good.” He said,
“As long as people are criticizing you, it means you are doing
your job well. There will always be people in the world who will
criticize you if you are doing your job. It’s when people
don’t criticize you that you aren’t working hard enough.”
This simple, yet profound statement is so true. If we plod through
life and walk the straight and narrow, and never confront or question,
or veer off the path to explore new areas, we become as plain and
mundane as a piece of stale bread.
Criticism can be extremely helpful and very useful, even at it’s
most vindictive, where attempts are made to hurt. It depends upon
how it is received and interpreted, and how you respond back to
it. We can decrease our level of stress, and the impact of the onslaught
by how we respond to the criticism.
I have had numerous patients who have reflected to me that, “My
parents don’t care for me, they have pushed me away, my siblings
don’t care for me, my child hates me,” and they go on
and on complaining about negative feedback they have received from
their family members or friends, and subsequently they interpret
and react to this feedback by feeling worthless as a person. Depending
on their level of growth, as well as the level of integration of
their life traumas, the response I frequently give is, “To
some degree, everyone is dealt a bad hand out of a deck of cards.
Some are dealt a worse hand than others. In life, it depends on
how you play the hand of cards. Do you fold? Do you bluff? Or do
you accept what you have and try to play that hand as best as possible?”
Many individuals will continue to hang onto their sexual abuse or
some perpetration that has occurred, despite all the therapy and
growth they have achieved. This will absolutely do that individual
no good, and actually can be destructive.
We have to become comfortable in our own skin. The greater the
level of comfort we reach, the easier it becomes to receive and
deflect criticism in a very positive way. The sooner we are able
to do this, the better role model we are going to be for our children.
They will grow up learning to deal with criticism much better, which
is crucial for a healthy path of development.
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